Wow that was fast!

Gosh I hate it when the weekends go by so fast. And I didn't even get to sleep in this weekend. Friday ended good. Mutual friends of my ex's stopped by to see my place. They really liked it and are so happy on how I am doing. I am proud on how I am doing also. I think it is great when you feel deep down that you made a good decision and you feel good about it! That my friends is called "Inner Peace" And believe me, it doesn't happen very often.
I had Keira this weekend. She is a character. She cracks me up. We played on the bed, and then we chased each other around my apartment pretending we were lions. Roar!
Saturday night I met up with Rebecca and Shawn for her birthday. She is such a sweetie. Such a beautiful woman. I don't get to see her very much, not sure why. There is no excuse there, but we just have never called each other on a frequent basis before. You know, one of those friends. It seems that if we haven't seen each other in a couple months, it only feels like a couple days when we get together. She loves to dance, which is something we have always agreed on. Shawn her boyfriend and father of their child, he is nice, but I have my feelings. He has cheated on her numerous times. Don't get me wrong, he is always nice to me, but that is probably because I can see right through him. And he knows it. But if you knew me, you would know that I am nice to everyone. Even on a bad day. I have a hard time not being nice.
Got to Goodtymes, and started dancing my little tush off. Christina, Nikki, and Nichole, showed up. They were ready to do some dancing like usual. They all are such a kick in the pants!
Rebecca's sister Kathy, gave me so many compliments that night. She was telling me when we walked in all these guys were looking at me. I didn't notice, but how come no one talks to me? Do I look like a snot so something? Who knows. But I just can't walk up to a guy and talk to him or ask him to dance. I am old fashioned. I like it when the guy asks you. Call me crazy, but I don't want to look desperate or look like I am that "drunk girl". So needless to say, no one special that night. No one at all. But that is ok. Kathy did mention to me that she has a friend who is a judge that she would like me to meet. Cool but one catch, he is a bit older. Like early forties she said. Ok wait a minute. I am not sure about that.
I got home a little later then planned but oh, was I tired. Keira woke up not till 7:30am. Which was a blessing. She usually doesn't sleep past 6:30am.
So yesterday was the typical lazy Sunday. Keira and I took a 2 hour nap, and snacked like little piggies all day. Now that is a Sunday well spent.
As far as my m-m goes, he called me Friday night, but I was unable to talk with him since he called at the same time as my company showed up. That was the last I heard from him, till this morning. He called to say good morning. Even though he was on my mind all weekend. I knew he was busy, and so was I. We spoke again at lunch today. He asked how my weekend went. He also asked me if I had met anyone over the weekend. I said no. He didn't believe me. He says I have the "whole package". What a great compliment. He thinks I intimidate some men, and that is why I don't get asked. Huh. How could a little women like me be intimidating?

Reading is a great alternative to sex

Well it is finally Friday. Last night I cleaned my apartment and played with my baby girl. I slept really good. Before bed I have started reading. I am currently reading "Straight Talking" by Jane Green.
Here is a summary of the book - Meet Tasha—single and still searching. A producer for Britain’s most popular morning show working under a nightmare boss, Tash is well-versed in the trials and tribulations of twenty-first century dating. She and her three best friends certainly haven’t lived the fairy tale they thought they would: there’s Andy, who’s hooked on passion, but too much of a tomboy to have moved much beyond the beer-drinking contest stage; Mel, stuck in a steady but loveless relationship; and Emma, endlessly waiting for her other half to propose. Their love lives are only complicated by the sort of men who seem to drift in and out: Andrew—suave, good-looking and head over heels in love . . . with himself; Simon, who is allergic to commitment but has a bad-boy nature that’s impossible to resist; and Adam—perfectly attractive, but too sweet to be sexy.
“Any woman who’s suffered a relationship trauma, or simply lost her way in the confusion of modern life, will die for this book . . . Wickedly funny, it may not improve your love life, but it will make you squeal with laughter.” —Cosmopolitan
Straight Talking is a great book for the single women. I highly recommend it. I might have to go buy it for my girlfriends. It has a "Sex in the City" feel. I loved that show when it was running on HBO. I have always wanted a group of girls like that. To talk about experiences and thoughts on life. Of course a lot of the conversation would be about men. But it would be fun.
Christina just had the date from hell, but Mara had the best date so far. I haven't been on a date yet, but hopefully it will be a good experience. Oh don't get me wrong, I have been on a lunch date with my m-m, but not a real date.
By the way why is it so hard to not talk to someone. It would be different if they make you mad, or you had been able to move or something, but I have tried to not talk to m-m and I just can do it. I look forward to each time and everytime I talk to him. And yes, I have called him as much as he has called me since the breakup, but I can't help it. He came over the other morning and brought me a latte, which is one of the sweetest things on my list. I am not much of morning person, but he seems to cheer me up in all the different ways. I know, "Self, what the heck are you doing?And I can hear Christina and Mara say " Ellie, this isn't good!" But m-m and me are friends also. I am positive that it will end one day. Not sure when, but I will be ok. I promise.
Well not too many plans tonight, going to order a pizza and get some corona lights. Both two of my favorite things. I have my babygirl tonight so nothing too crazy.
I do have plans to go out with a girlfriend tomorrow night. I haven't been out with her in a long time. Rebecca is a great girl who also does my hair. She does a great job. And if you were a hairdresser and you saw my hair you would probably run. It is naturally curly and long. But Rebecca does a outstanding job in making me look beautiful! Well it is her birthday on Saturday and we will be going dancing. Which is one of my favorite things to do. So I am excited. I have Grandma Kathy coming over to watch baby girl for a couple hours so I can go out and play.
Have I told you lately how I am really digging these girl nights! When I was married I didn't realize how important girlfriends are. Now that I am single, they are oh so important. And I plan to keep it that way. Plus the new ones I have met, make me think that I have missed out on alot over the years.

Little Steps Make Big Smiles

It is my week to have Keira, and I can't believe how much she has grown in a week. My ex and I share custody so he has her a week and I have her a week. It works out great. But it seemed this time she had grown so much since last Wednesday. She is 19 months old, and is now just starting to walk. I know, she is sure taking her time compared to the other kids. But that is just fine to me. She is a late bloomer. I was quite stressed out as a mother constantly asking the doctor at her visits, "What am I doing wrong? Why isn't she walking?" My doctor basically said that there is nothing you could do to prolong the desire to walk. She will do it time. She is a late bloomer. It happens. Well I have read about these late bloomers. Those parent magazines make you feel like you have to be on same schedule of other children. It is not fair. You start pointing the blame at yourself. I was constantly working with her on reading and talking. As a new mother I thought the physical changes would happen naturally, but the verbal and mental skills is what needs work on. Don't get me wrong, I worked with her physically, but she would just prefer me talking with her, reading to her, and singing songs. Hey, it worked great.
But now 9 months later and and some visits to the Physical Therapist she now has the confidence to do the things we have been longing to see. We did do the physical therapy after she turned 16 months old. Ok, I broke down and needed help. But last night I had the first sight of her talking 5-6 steps towards me. What a joy! I then realize how cool this was. Being a parent.
I had no idea how this little person could make me feel so important. I don't know what I would do without her.

Couldn't make it too long

So after I called Matt yesterday morning to invite him over later that night. This is after I told him I needed to move on. I just thought that I wanted to say more to him. He calls to tell me that he can't. He has month end bookkeeping that he has to do. I was really hoping to see him. But oh well. So he has mentioned that he would come over in the morning and bring me a coffee. He said something about 6:00am. So I set my alarm and went out the door to meet Christina at Goodtymes. Met up with her. Have a great time as usual. Then as we are talking this guy comes up and informs us that his friend is on a bacholar party and he is getting married this weekend. So they were needing some pictures and us to sign his shirt with a black marker. Well Christina and I thought up some good sayings and wrote them on his shirt. He had probably a group of 10 guys with him. There was one there that I thought wasn't bad. I mentioned to Christina that he was kinda cute, and I think he heard me becuase he sat right next to me the rest of the time we were there. Nice guys. As Christina is there listening to me talking with Jason, that was his name, she notices something. She asked " Are you married?" I am thinking "no way", not again. What the heck with married guys and me. I mean Matt is the first one, but I am planning to be the last married guy. This guy was definetly not happy in his relationship. He couldn't answer alot of questions that Christina was asking him, but he kept giving me the eye of interest. So as time went by, Christina headed out to Post Falls to meet Mara. I decided to stay. Jason of course stayed also, so it is the two of us for a little while, and then I decided to go home. I only have time for one married guy. Plus Matt is much cuter to me. Jason was out of my head as I hit the door.

Day three, I hear from him

So as the last three days dragged on by not hearing from my married guy. I knew it was the right thing to do. But it was killing me. Sunday night, not ready to go to sleep yet after meeting up with Christina and Mara. I headed home and a certain song came on and I drove right by my house and had to take a drive. I decided to get my fill and just drive by his house. So I did, I felt a little better but still lonely without him. So Monday starts and I don't hear from him. Had to hit Fred Meyer after work to get some groceries. And my phone rings, it is Matt. I am taking a huge deep breath. I am thinking, I have to break up with this guy. I answer and he says, "ok, you win, I called first." He asked me where I was, and said that he would be waiting for me outside. I told him that I had to talk to him. I think he had a feeling that either I was upset, or something. So I go outside there he is. He has a awesome truck, he is dark haired and nice body, and very considerate. He grabs the bags of groceries and loads them in my car for me.
I am thinking, God this is killing me! Anyway I jump in his truck and we drive away to talk. We sat there a couple minutes as I am preparing myself to tell him. He just looks at me with those eyes, and grabs my hand, and I say, " I can't see you anymore". I tell him that I have gotten to the point where I can't handle not talking to you, and I can't call you when I want to see you, etc. I think I am in love with this guy who is not 100% there for me". I started to tear up, and I tried the hardest to keep them in. But the tears started to flow. It broke his heart, that I was hurting. He said that he was afraid this would happen. He said "I have to fix something in my marriage, when he is home he is miserable, because he thinks of me". I told him that he has alot he could lose, and he can't let that go. That we have been selfish with his wife's feelings. Believe me, I didn't want to be reasonable, but I had to. We kissed and hugged alot. When he hugs me it is so fitting to me. Close and strong.
So of course he had to go, and I get back into my car and headed home. He calls my cell phone in a matter of minutes. He says" we can't end it like that". I start to go crazy again. He says that he doesn't think he could not see me ever again. I feel the same. But how do I move on, with him ticking on my mind all the time. So we end the conversation, I get home and start reading and go to bed. On the way to work, I call him. Yes, I said I called him. I need to talk to him one more time. I asked if he could come over tonight. He said that he would work on it. We are friends too, but this relationship can't continue as friends. I realize that. But I want to talk to him more then just 30 minutes, when I am not going to see him again. I don't think I am being selfish there. But I will be strong. And hopefully stronger when he leaves.

Girls night at the Star!

So Saturday started out being nice and relaxed. Other then I haven't heard from Matt in two days which is a good thing. But it was killing me. So Gina, Laurie and I head to the Star that night. I had no idea what to expect of this place. It kinda looks like a hole in the wall with live music and dancing. We ended up have a blast. We had two homey g' wannabee's sit at our table and buy us drinks everytime we turned around. We expressed to them over and over again, that we were not interested, but I think we just made their night dancing and conversation. So we close the bar, and head to the parking lot. Lot's of people not ready to quit. So Laurie brings over this guy named Tony. Not bad looking. Ends up he works at a restaurant in the same building as me. Small world. And he knew my boss and his wife. So we kinda hit it off. Except that he lives with his parents and he is 25 years old. That threw me for a loop. So we have a blast just talking and hanging out. We played pool, and I was starting to dig him. Well it is getting late and I was starting to think about going. And Tony gets hungry and start eating some Cheez-its and I notice something black on his teeth. I asked my girlfriend Gina, and she mentioned that he is missing a front tooth from a sucker punch at a bar. I am a huge teeth person. It can make or break a deal. And this was not good about Tony. I immediatly was turned off my seeing him eating without a front tooth, and then watched him put his plate with the tooth back in. So needless to say, I was ready to go. Ended up not getting home till 4:30am, and then getting up around 11:00am to meet my friends Jim and Machelle at Ironhorse for lunch and football.

Are you kidding.... they're swingers!

Well Friday night was my girlfriends 29th birthday. We went to Goodtymes and had a good time. Could of had some different music. Don't get me wrong, the band was good. But not for dancing. We danced so much, we were there at about 8:30pm and we close it, and I only had time for 2 beers and a shot. I didn't realize how much we danced till I woke up the next morning, and I started to walk, and I had to do it gently. The balls of my feet ached. Now that is a good night!
So anyway on another note. My girlfriend Jeannie (the birthday girl) is married with 3 kids. Larry her husband is one of the nicest guys I know. Anyway, they have introduced me to some different couples over the last year or so. And they seem nice, plus they are the other parents at Jeannie's daycare. She owns her own business and it is a daycare that is held at her house. This is where I send Keira. Great daycare. Anywho, I find out that Mandy (which is married) was acting a little differently that night, which I have noticed since the first day I met her. And I notice it when she starts to drink. Kissing anybody starts, and camera's of body parts, etc. Not kidding! And they think this is fun. Too much for me!
So she shows up with another girlfriend who is another mom, and they are both without thier husbands. A girls night, right? Well all of a sudden I notice Mandy kissing every guy there, married or not. What the heck? So later that night, Jeannie comes up to me and mentions that Mandy cornered Larry and told him a secret, that her and her husband are swingers. Jeannie got offended because she came on to her husband. I would of felt the same. And get this, they aren't even good looking. That is the scary part. Wierd, how could this women propose this when she takes her child to Jeannie's daycare, and she see's Jeannie every day?Jeannie is amazed that this even happened. I would of been too. So this was all talked about after the night was over.
Christina came and met up with me. And so did her friend Nikki. Nikki is beautiful. Tall brunette and nice. So as we are dancing a cute guy comes up and starts dancing with me. Just what I am looking for in looks, tall with dark hair. And a good dancer. I love to dance. I am thinking, "ok, this is cool." So I want to dance with him again, and we did. So as the night goes on, I notice Nikki is missing. She is sitting at the bar with him. I blow it off and go join them, he ends up buying us each a shot of Wild Turkey. Oh my god! It was awful. But I did it. So later I head to the bathroom and come back, and her arms are around him closely. I got a little perturbed. I am thinking, ok you have any choice of any guy out here, and you choose the one that I have a interest in. Yeah, I know, I found out he is 21, and he ended up dancing with alot of girls that night. But I look at girlfriends differently I guess. I didn't want to fight over a guy. I refuse to do that. But I did have to say, that I highly respect each person/girlfriend that I meet. Simply because I expect it in return. Once I see a guy my girlfriend is interested in, they are off limits. But that is me.
I got over it, and called Nikki the next day, and asked if she got home ok. It didn't want it to break a great friendship that could start. But I needed to express who I am. She is alot of fun.

Last thoughts before the weekend

Well I thought I would write a quick note before the weekend starts. Went to the gym last night and met Gina. Gina is a good friend of mine that i have known for a couple years. She has a great husband, and two kids. She cracks me up, and always makes me smile. We meet at the gym so we can catch up and see how each of us are doing. I don't get to see her as much as I would like to, but she did plan to go out dancing with me this weekend. So I am really excited. Now that I am single it is great being able to meet and chat with all my girlfriends. And it seems I am meeting more and more great women that are a ton of fun.
Well it is now only about a hour and half till I am off work! Went to lunch with Christina and Mara to the Olive Garden, it was good till Mara found a hair in her salad bowl. That kinda made us all frown. But we got over it and had a great time. I am sure glad we have these blogs. They are a great way to keep in touch, and we also have some great laughs over them also. Christina, Mara and I plan to meet tonight to go dancing. Can't wait.
Haven't heard from Matt since he told me the "Love" word. I haven't called him either. I am kinda leaving it alone. I was not ready to go down that path, and I am thinking this ride is over. Now I just have to tell him.

Did you say the "love" word?

Uh oh, well I wanted to write down some thoughts yesterday but was unable to. Well work went well, and it is another crazy day today. I work for a Autodesk Reseller, and it seems everyone is building, and wanting to spend money for this incredible software that we sell. Which is awesome! I don't want to see the end of these profitable months!
Still feeling better as each day comes. Matt took me to lunch yesterday at the Steam Plant. Had a great lunch. He informed me that his wife asked him last night if he was having a affair. He said he denied it and blew it off. But his wife is starting to notice some changes with him, which I knew she would. I can tell he is somewhat stressed, but also so excited to see me at the same time. I told him that I do not want to destroy what he has, he knows that. And that we can stop this anytime. He does not want to stop he said. He looks at me so differently lately. He eyes are so comforting.
So as we left the restaurant, he held my hand out of the restaurant. This is a big move. I respect his position in his life, so I don't request any kind of public affection. So for him to grab my hand, it makes me think that he is on a different level with me.
After work I headed home to go get ready for the gym. Called Christina to see what they were going to do. They decided to head downtown. It kinda bummed me out, but Christina always heads to the valley, even though she lives on the south hill. But with it being a "school night", well I mean a work night, I just couldn't go downtown. On the weekends, not a problem. I will have to buck up soon, I miss her! We are planning to meet on Friday, which I wish would get here quick. I am ready for a drink with Christina and Mara, and my other good friend Jeannie. It will be Jeannie's 29th birthday. God I can't believe how time has flown by!
Matt swung by my apartment as I was walking out the door. We talked for a bit. We laughed about a story he told me happened to him earlier that day. Well time passed by, and he had to go, so we hugged and he kissed me and said it, "I love you". Ok, well it took me off guard there for a moment. I just didn't know what to say. I paused for a moment or two, and hugged him again, and said nothing. He replies "you don't have to say it, I just had to tell you how I feel."
I told him that if he wasn't married, I would feel different. I hopped out of his truck, and went to the gym. Ok, now my mind is going crazy. I don't know what to do. I truly do care for this man, maybe I do love him, maybe not. I just know I smile when I see him. But now what?

Another day in Paradise

Work has been just crazy. I am still recovering from this cold, but I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Was able to convince the doctor that I had a sinus infection, so he finally prescribed me something. Which has made all the difference. I am almost going on week two of this horrible torture of a cold. I have had my daughter since last Wednesday, she is the best. Of course she is a toddler, and her temper tantrums are coming out. Thank god for my strength of patience.
And since I have been sick I quit my habit of smoking also. It has been about a week since my last smoke. I plan to stick with it, hopefully when I go out with Christina or Mara and we start drinking I am not too tempted. It helps that they don't smoke. My trouble is the smoking and drinking at the same time. Something about a drink and a smoke. Ahhh. So good. Anyway, let's get off that subject before I go downstairs and buy a pack. That or have a drink.
I miss the girls, they went out Saturday night at Special K, not sure about that place. Never been there. They seemed to have fun. Planning to meet up with the girls for lunch on Friday. Great way to end the work week.
I see a nice hot bath for me tonight. Thank god I am feeling better.

Had to do it!

I spoke with Matt today, finally had the guts to mention the teeth whitening issue to him. He took it quite well. I told him that teeth are a huge thing to me, and that white teeth are sexy to me!!! He said he would check into it. He told me that that there was something about me also, then he started to laugh, and said "no way, there is nothing I would change about you!"

How could you not like this guy!

Can't it be Friday already?

Ok, well it is Thursday and I am at work. Still trying to recover from this damn cold. Man it has kicked my butt! I don't envy anyone who catches this one. Christina called last night, she went to go meet Mason. Of course he had all her stuff ready to give back to her. She on the other hand wanted to talk, and he had nothing to say. Not sure how I feel about this guy. For one it has to be hard dealing with someone who is bi-polar. And also it seems that he has a heart, but doesn't know how to use it. God forbid if Christina has a bad day! He can't seem to handle it when other people freak out on a bad day. Christina is a kind, beautiful women, who I think doesn't need to put up with this bullshit. Relationships are hard as it is, well enough dating someone who has to take medication to have a good day. I would not be able to do it. Are these kinda fights with Christina and Mason going to happen often? Who knows. She wants to listen to her heart, and work it out with him, but I on the other hand think she needs to move on. It is a great time, now that I am single and ready to mingle. We can depend on eachother that is what friends are for!
Matt came over last night after work. Matt is the married guy that I have known for about 10 years. He has been married all of the those years too. He has 3 kids, and has his own Excavating business. He is a very sweet guy, and I believe he cares for me alot. This was the first time since I knew him that he has given me any gift. Christmas was crazy, diamond earrings, gift cards, etc. I was quite thankful, and almost cried. I am on a emotional rollercoaster with this divorce, and this affair with him. I on the other hand, am not sure what to think of him. I am definitely keeping my heart the farthest away, so I don't fall for this guy. I love to see him, and I love the ride. The after effect of what could happen is what keeps my heart away from him. I don't know what I would do if his wife found out about me. Would I still want to pursue this? There are days when I really want to see him and I can't.
Oh, and I am not sure if I am just extremely anal or picky, but how do you tell a guy to whiten his teeth? I would desire to kiss him much more if he did that. Don't get me wrong we kiss alot, which is awesome. Not sure how to approach him on that. Anyway about last night, I bought some window treatments for my living room window, and he came over and put it all up for me. Very cool! He kissed me goodbye, and said he would call tomorrow. He looked good. Plus something about seeing a guy with a hammer doing a favor for you is a turn on for me!

I am ready, when and where?

I am officially a virgin to this whole blog thing. I got turned on to this by a good friend of mine Christina. She informed me of this daily journal that she loves to do. So I thought I would join in. What the heck huh!
Well I am somewhat starting a new life for myself this year. I am currently in the middle of divorcing my husband, Scott. Scary as it may be, it is a great feeling of "Inner Peace" for myself. This was long overdue, which was my fault. But also great timing all at once. I have a beautiful 18 month old daughter which brings me looking forward to each new day, and she also makes me realize that even on your worst day, to always keep your smile flowing.
Having a child was not on my "To-Do List". Actually I really had no desire to venture that way, but as miracles do happen, I was destined to have this little girl. So now it is her and I all the way. My soon to be ex-husband is coming around, he is now wanting to be civil and have a workable relationship for our daughter, and not be so bitter all the time. He is a wonderful father, which makes it all the easier for me in my path of trying to find myself again. We have joint custody that works great for us. We are two dedicated parents to our daughter, we just weren't dedicated for life as husband and wife. But he was definitely someone who I was destined to share a part of my life with. And I have no regrets.
Christina called and was having a horrible day. I felt for her. So last night her and I planned to meet at Goodtymes for a drink or two. She had brought her friend Mara. Mara is a great person, and it looks like a great friend to Christina, which is awesome. I seem to have a great time with Christina each and every time we get together. She has such a addictive personality. How could you not love her! I met her right around the October area, from some people from the gym. We got along so well, I told myself that I would have to keep in touch with this chick!
I gave her my number and she did call and invite me out the following weekend and we have been going out almost every other weekend since then. Sometimes Tuesdays, which is where we were last night. Had a blast last night. Christina always makes me laugh. We danced and she sang. I have had a cold in the last week, so my beautiful Celine Dion voice was not going to come out last night. Yeah, right! More like Courtney Love sober!
Stayed out too late, but it seems like I always too much fun and don't want to leave. Ohh, Christina. I blame her! But she is so worth it. I got her a pedicure and awesome lounging pants to relax in for her birthday. I think she like her gift. Every women deserves a little pampering!